Before the Milk Spoils - Surviving the Drain is Just the Beginning

When I was diagnosed with cancer in 1999 at the flighty age of 19, I always thought that survival was the "happily ever after" ending I was supposed to strive for. Twelve and a half years later, I know better.

While battling cancer for 5 years, enduring many surgeries and finding the delicate balance between health and happiness was certainly the struggle of my life, the battle really began the day I was told I was cancer-free.

Sounds crazy, right? Perhaps, but it's true. You suddenly know firsthand how much you stand to lose, you worry about a re-occurrence and you begin your mission to make a difference in the world. After all, who wants their funeral to be full of people attending only out of obligation? (My biggest issue)

The more time that passes, these fears/goals/obsessions become more mild but they are forever rooted in our psyche. I will catch myself on occasion getting teary-eyed while looking at my sons. I have so much more to lose now than I did as a single, childless 19-year-old. The "what ifs" continue to haunt me.

I'm reminded of this side of cancer on days like today; the side nobody speaks of because we're programmed to merely express gratitude for surviving. An oncologist friend of mine and fellow cancer survivor found out he has the advanced stages of esophageal cancer recently. A man who has a beautiful wife and children, dedicates his career to helping those with cancer, regularly supports the American Cancer Society, conducts mission trips to Haiti and makes an immensely positive impact in the world. All the things we're supposed to do following the "happily ever after" ending of cancer survival, right?

Except, it doesn't seem so RIGHT. In fact, it seems so backwards that it makes my head spin. I'm a street corner hope-pusher and a firm believer in a positive outlook but the reality is that sometimes ignorance IS bliss. Before a cancer diagnosis, we live freely (although frivolously) but without the reality of an unknown expiration date. After a cancer diagnosis, we are like that borderline jug of milk that you have to sniff a few times, wondering if it's still good or if it's ready to dispose down the drain.

I guess all I can do is hope we complement one more bowl of Cheerios or provide one more splash in a warm cup of coffee. But, I'm lactose intolerant. Kind of ironic.

The Sword Gets a Freebie - Take a Swipe at My Pen!

I have terribly neglected this blog over the past few months. Talk about an oxymoron. I focus greatly on my clients, their needs and goals that sometimes my own endeavors get put on the back burner. Shame on me. (In my best scolding voice.)

I just returned from a weekend writing conference with the Florida Writers Association which obviously lit a fire under my blog-slacking behind. It is refreshing to occasionally converse with those who are talented, arrogant, humbled, facetious, self-centered, terrified and gracious...much like the rest of society...except that they are also creative nuts much like myself.

I engulfed myself in workshops and networking, Chardonnay and truckloads of food, and left a bit richer in knowledge, friendships and lessons in the art of self-sacrifice. I watched the expressions on the faces of my fellow Friends In Pens as they received awards, were honored for their achievements and applauded for astounding performances.

You see, writing is the ultimate self-sacrifice. You bear emotions you wouldn't express to your closest friend, you risk rejection from complete strangers whose approval you desperately seek and strive to make some sort of profound difference in a world full of mediocrity.

And while Edward Bulwer-Lytton whispers, "The pen is mightier than the sword," in my tone-deaf ear, I can't help but wonder if a good swipe by the blade at our rejection-ridden, critique-giving, pen-toting asses is just what we need sometimes to keep us on track.

I'm appreciative of my battle wound this weekend. My pen is stronger than ever.

Being Alone Doesn't Mean Loneliness!

I just returned from my very first book tour and it was an amazing experience. While away, I was fortunate to visit with some family in my home state of Connecticut. I was inspired to write this post based on a conversation that occurred between my grandmother and I.

She asked how I was able to travel alone, without fear, self-doubt and with courage. It was a very profound question because I had never specifically analyzed that aspect of myself until that moment.

There were many years when I was merely a glimpse in the shadow of others. Whether lost in the troubles of family members or allowing myself to disappear while in romantic relationships, I put myself on the back burner to please others for a very long time. It's a flaw that I'm able to admit and learn from; self-growth is an imperative part of life, after all.

Once I made the decision to be seen, and it was a conscious and intentional decision, I had to find out what made ME happy. And truthfully, I had no idea. As independent as I am in certain aspects, there were other times when I was unknowingly reliant on the company of others. I began to make very specific actions that took me out of my comfort zone, and forced me to deal with the discomfort.

Traveling alone was something that was initially very fearful to me. My overly-analytical mind worried about every possible scenario that could go wrong. But, I was determined to look fear in the eye and conquer it. And, that's exactly what I did.

While traveling alone, there is no one to please but myself, no one to be dependent on, no one to shadow my identity. It is so empowering, and exactly what I needed.

This most recent trip, while not my first trip alone, was my first long-distance business trip which brought along with it the need to succeed. When I wasn't attending scheduled events, I was doing walk-ins to as many locations as possible, another uncomfortable feat that I conquered. My book and literacy tour was welcomed with open arms by every business and individual I encountered. Checkmate.

So, the answer to my sweet grandmother's question is that I am able to travel alone not out of courage or without fear, but because it is a necessity in order to better myself. And, I will no longer create boundaries that can stifle my potential. I've learned that I will never be lonely while alone. I'm pretty good company!

In Sickness and In Health

In a partnership, when we choose to marry, we take a vow to love one another "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or health"...or something with a very similar tone. We stand up before our friends and family, a notary or an Elvis impersonator and proclaim this love for all to hear.

When we have children, the vows are very similar, yet an unspoken demonstration. There is no growing to love your children like we often have to do with our significant other. It is an instant bond that trumps all others.

I was never supposed to have children. As a matter of fact, when I was diagnosed with cancer at age 19, my doctor wanted to do a full hysterectomy. That's a whole other story that many of you have already heard but when my first son, Isaiah, was born after 2 1/2 grueling years of fertility treatments, my world changed...instantly...and for the better. Here is this beautiful 5lb. 14oz. preemie boy, PROOF that miracles do happen, that faith is tangible and that hope is more than an emotion.

Six months later when his baby brother Micah was conceived (naturally), it was surreal, unexplainable and an amazing blessing. Weighing in at less than 5lbs., this little man was born a fighter much like his mother. Micah, now 15 months old, has been sick for most of his life. Respiratory issues with extreme fevers, hospitalizations, spinal tap, blood cultures and a visit across the state to a specialist has taken up much of his infant time.

I remember the pain, fear and confusion of being ill myself, and could have never imagined the spectrum of emotions that comes into play when it is your own child. I feel perhaps even more anxious because of the sequence of events that had to occur to create these babies!

I pride myself in taking one day at a time and trying not to get too overwhelmed with the "what ifs". But, it takes practice and determination, just like all things worthwhile in life.

As we wait for my little Peanut's results, I want to vocalize my love for my two boys. We don't get a ceremony to celebrate our love but Isaiah and Micah, I want you to know that I will always love you "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health". It's through you both that I continue to grow, learn and conquer the world.

Salute!

Stargazing and Toxic Relationships!

Do you ever find yourself attempting to confide in a loved one, only to realize time after time that they end up making you feel worse? Isn't that what enemies are for?

These are toxic relationships and if given the chance, they can negatively affect confidence, self-esteem and trust. So, how the heck do you solve this problem??

In my opinion there are two main elements to consider:

1. I believe communicating about your discomfort should always be a first option. "I was upset and really needed to vent, but you added a lot of additional negativity that made me feel even worse." Paraphrasing, of course. This may be all that is needed to solve the problem. But, be prepared if it isn't enough. Some people may get defensive, some may completely deny that they respond the way they do and others just may not care much.

2. Evaluate yourself. Are you placing expectations upon this person that they are unable to carry through? The only expectations you can control are those you place upon yourself. Maybe this particular relationship shouldn't include heart-to-hearts. Perhaps it's just not part of the dynamic that makes the relationship work.

There is also the possibility that without being able to utilize that person as a confidant, the relationship will cease to exist. That's where it gets especially tricky when you are talking about a spouse or family member. I've been in this situation so many times and it's not easy. Basically, it comes down to making tough decisions, determining what is best for your well-being and setting limits that are both fair and reasonable.

Ultimately, the world has plenty of negativity and pessimistic people. But, I prefer to surround myself with positive individuals who innately support me, without expectations or criticism. A dream world? Perhaps. But, I'm all about reaching for the stars!

I Resolve to Never Make a New Year's Resolution!

I'm so excited to be in 2011! Every year gets better than the last and I look forward to all of the opportunities, joys and excitement that this New Year has in store for me. I am embracing being 30 and enjoying watching as my kids grow, learn and explore. My business continues to do well and publishing my first two books last year was amazing. I am one grateful woman! Now, it's time to address...what's next?

That brings me to the hype of New Year's resolutions. We like to think that the New Year brings us a clean slate. We can lose the weight that snuck up on us, kick a smoking habit, decide to make better financial decisions or eliminate the toxic people in our lives. It's all great in theory. There's no better investment than an investment in ourselves.

However, some studies show that as few as 5% of people achieve their New Year's resolutions. I know I'm nicknamed the "One Percenter" but those aren't odds that even I want a part of. Our society and the media drown us in New Year's resolution pressure. Commercials, news stories and promotions entice us to want to do better but the moment we slack for a mere second, we consider ourselves failures. What a hit for morale!

Research has shown that creating many small goals throughout the year tend to be far more effective than setting one large resolution that is hard to live up to. As an exmple, start by resolving to become more physically active, instead of saying you need to lose 50lbs. in two months. Once you become more active, you will feel proud and accomplished and feel positive about moving on to your next goal...perhaps cutting back on calories or eating more vegetables. By making these smaller changes, you are ultimately getting closer to your goal of losing weight.

I make changes for myself throughout the year. I don't set a schedule because you never know when you will be ready to fully commit. But, when I wake up feeling motivated and determined and know it's time for a positive adjustment in my life, I go for it! More times than not, I am successful. We can't win them all but as long as we continually head in the right direction, it should be considered a victory!

Believe in yourself, your strength, your determination and your abilities.

Salut to your "tabula rasa"(clean slate) all year round!

Being Thankful is About More Than Just Being a Turkey

Thanksgiving comes around every year and we routinely express our appreciation for some of the positive aspects of our lives. It's a great little reminder to stop griping about every little thing that doesn't go our way.

We typically go through the motions of giving thanks for friends, family, health and the scrumptious food. But, what about the things that get overlooked?

For instance...I'm grateful for palm trees. Yup, palm trees. There isn't a negative thought in the world that can sneak its way into my mind while admiring palm fronds blowing in the wind. Really, it just makes me want a hammock.

How about...green lights? Just the other day, I hit green lights for an entire day in my travels. I slipped on my "S" cape and conquered the world that day.

I'm grateful for...my journey through cancer. (Let me explain, I promise I'm not a masochist!) I learned about immense physical and emotional pain and the experience pushed my thresholds to limits that far exceeded what I ever believed I could handle. I became stronger, smarter and invincible to impossibility.

And the giggles of children...there is no sweeter sound. When my boys get to the stage of absolute pure laughter that they can no longer control, it is infectious and musical. In my eyes, it is one of the seven wonders of the world.

I'm especially grateful this year for an invitation to be a positive role model for an amazing group of young girls at the Hibiscus Children's Center in Vero Beach. The Zen in the Den event allows me to teach these girls about journaling, the importance of processing emotions and to share my own journey with them. There is no greater gift to receive than giving of yourself.

So, before you cut into the turkey this year, take a few extra minutes to consider the blessings that may normally go overlooked. And, if you're a vegetarian, the turkey will join you in the good fortune.